Tonight I wrote a song that’s going to be used in a sketch my comedy duo, Greg and Lou, recently shot. The tune is stripped down, like Springsteen’s Nebraska, except terrible. I’m no songwriter…anymore.

I was a founding member of the band Garden Flow.* We were in the seventh grade and could have been the greatest band of all time, had we kept it together long enough.**

I wrote so many lyrics for songs that would never be played. One day I was going through the dictionary–I was probably searching for possible band names–when I came across a word practically singing to be sung. That word was “Sarcophagus.”

I don’t remember what the lyrics were, but I bet they had something to do with death and being trapped in a sarcophagus. Whatever the song was about, I shared the words with my older brothers, Sal and Chris. That was a mistake. Not the sharing of the song. But sharing the song with the both of them together at the same time. Because I firmly believe that had I shared the song with them individually–had I said to each of them in separate rooms, “Hey, brother, if you’ll give me a moment of your time, I’d like to open myself up to you, and take you on a journey, a rock n’ roll journey that’s deeper than anything you’ve ever experienced…And it starts withthis. This thing that’s like a big coffin or something.”–they would have thanked me for it, and possibly cried.

But instead, the two of them together, perhaps scared to let themselves go and experience something on such a deep-ass level in front of each other, decided to goof on it. Not in a cruel way, but in that way boys with small cocks, ashamed of their small boners, will goof on the girl who is unknowingly arousing them. Ergo she questions her own self-worth, just as the young artist–the could-be rock god–questions his own.

The seventh grade is long gone. Garden Flow wilted before it could be harvested. And the name of the song was “Sarcophagus,” NOT “SNUFFALUFFAGUS,” YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES!!!!

Snuffy says, “Don’t stop rockin’, Lou!”

In response, Lou smashes an air guitar and trashes an imaginary hotel room.“Fuck you, Snuff. You depressing woolly mammoth.”

* The first name for the band I came up with was Chawk. Then it was Garden Flow. I think we were Guilty Parties for a little while (what the members of Rage Against the Machine called themselves in the liner notes of their first album). And later we were Prince Raheem–although I think I was the only one in the band who knew our name had been changed yet again. We were Prince Raheem in my head, at least. But you all know us (Kirk, Mike, Anthony, and Lou) as Garden Flow. So let’s keep it there.

** We went kaput before high school even started. We never even had a singer, and we weren’t a jam band. Oh, what could have been.