A dude on OkCupid plagiarized lines from my profile. I feel both artistically violated and like I’m a bigger catch than I was before….
The culprit is the unoriginal male half of a polyamorous relationship. Saturday-night loneliness has got me clicking on OkCupid profiles, wanting desperately to be held, kissed—loved. I click on the profile of a “unicorn” with whom I’ve exchanged messages, but now there’s mention of her “primary” (thief) and his “his saucy-awesomeness.”
Behold the stolen lines:
From “his” self-summary: “I’m made up of only the best parts of your ex-boyfriends.” Funny! I’ve been making that claim for what amounts to decades in OkCupid time.
And from “his” You Should Message Me If section: “- You look better in person than you do in your photos.” The bastard even stole my dash.
And it’s only while writing this investigative report that I give the shithead’s profile a full read. Hey, what does this asshole, who’s “[w]orking long hours at a bank & planning [his] next big career move” spend a lot of time thinking about? Why:
Finding humor in awful situations
Not taking myself too seriously
Really? Because those are three of the things that I mention I’m really good at! That’s right—you think, while I do, motherfucker!
He didn’t even change the order up! I bookend the three with “Burpees” and “Taking you seriously”! That’s right—I’m good at “Not taking myself too seriously” but “Taking you seriously”! Who wouldn’t fall in love with me!
Two of the six things he could never do without are “self-reflection & self-improvement.” The nerve on you! Are you even 5’10”, motherfucker? Or did you steal that from me too?
I contacted both the thief and his unicorn. I’ll let you know if they respond. Until then, “there is no escaping the echo of Mistah Kurtz’ final words from the heart of darkness: ‘The horror! The horror! … Exterminate all the brutes!’”*
* From Hunter S. Thompson’s Hell’s Angels. Page 273**
** You should always footnote your sources.