The First Sketch I Ever Wrote

This is the first sketch I ever wrote, back when I was an undergrad at NYU (circa ‘03). I was taking a comedy writing class with Barry Goldsmith and had just joined the sketch group The Wicked Wicked Hammerkatz.

One of the class assignments was to write sketches. I wrote three of them, but one turned out to be an inferior version of a sketch Joe Rogan had already done; the other two I submitted to the Hammerkatz at our first group meeting.

You will never see the “Party Balloons” sketch I submitted, but this one, originally titled “Monte” (named after the real-life security guard working the front desk at my Lafayette Street dorm), made it into the Hammerkatz live show(s) and now, over 12 years later, into the Greg and Lou canon.

Thanks to Rachel Bloom for bringing Melanie back to life.

Nightclub

A mob boss kidnaps the hero’s girlfriend and holds her captive in a back room of the nightclub he (the mobster) owns. We know the hero will come through and save his girl, but before he does, before the big showdown, the mob boss will make the hero wait in line to get into the club, pay the cover, and… Read more →

potato

Regular Potato

The other day I was just a regular potato. The cook was ready to fry me up along with all the other spuds, but before he could, the Health Department came to close down the restaurant. The cook canceled the orders and cried. He looked up to the ceiling and made a wish for someone to help. I guess that’s… Read more →

hivme

The Saddest Billboard

I’ve been seeing these billboards around Los Angeles (see above), and while I appreciate the smiles on the faces of the people posed in them, I still find the ads incredibly sad. Not because the people are HIV +. No, it’s because God doesn’t love them. I mean, God can’t love them. Because there is no God. I’m sure the… Read more →

Unauthorized

My bank notified me that someone had made an unauthorized transaction with my debit card today. I’m in L.A., but I wonder if there’s even the remotest chance I was in Saint Charles, Illinois at some point this 15th of April. More than anything I wonder what person attempted to buy $109.77 worth of product at Target. What did they… Read more →

My Kind Of Eyes

As evolved as I think I am, there’s still a little bit of that idiot who grew up in Queens in the ‘90s giggling inside me. The other day I went for my yearly eye exam. It was my first time visiting this ophthalmologist whose office is in the Koreatown section of Los Angeles. The doctor is Korean. I sat… Read more →

You’d all be speaking German

We’ve all heard some variation of the line: “If it wasn’t for us, you’d all be speaking German.” If it wasn’t for the American soldiers (“us”) who fought in World War II, Hitler would have conquered the world and we’d all be speaking German. I used to think this was yet another slam-dunk argument against the Nazis. But then I… Read more →

A Facebook Story

“When you were a baby I’d post a new photo of you every day to Facebook. And if you look back over all those pictures you’ll notice a certain man whom you’ve never met—yet he “liked” each and every one of your baby pics. That man, my child, is your real father. It’s time for you to friend him.“ Read more →